June 2011

When I used to pull all-nighters back in those good ol’ uni days, I relied on late night television programming to keep me from going insane. Now, watching TV late at night (especially when you have sub-basic cable like I did) could really mess with your head. I remembered receiving several shipments of Thighmasters and Chia Pets and wondered where it all came from. But late night TV wasn’t all bad. Especially when Joe Bob Briggs’ “Monstervision” was on. This man would host a series of atrociously bad B-horror movies and would sum up each film with his “drive-in totals,” a list of what he thought were the high points of the films. It went something along the lines of: Eight corpses. Pig calling. Fainting. Chest shaving. Bullwhip cracking. One untethered wangdoodle. Bimbo-flinging. Dwarf tossing. Ten breasts. Four stars. Check it out. He was a brilliant man.

Anyway, while I was at home in New York I managed to locate my stash of video tapes, some featured “Monstervision” movies, but a lot of it were from my past obsession with films of school girls bent on raising a little hell. Literally. I had Satan’s School for Girls, Don’t Deliver Us from Evil, The Initiation of Sarah, Midnight Offerings, Summer of Fear, etc. Boy, that was a healthy collection of movies, wasn’t it? It did, however, inspire me to come up with this set:

Did you ever notice a lot of these movies featured girls who practiced demonology were enrolled in Catholic or other ecclesiastical institutions?

I know I know! I’ve been bad! I’ve been naughty! I haven’t updated anything in about a trillion years—and I am feeling all sorts of contrite. Please forgive me, but things have been incredibly loony. Now I remember why I moved away from New York! I’m seriously looking forward to my resort-living lifestyle in Oz…and I’m on my way back as we speak. I could be enjoying a cocktail or two at the airport lounge during my insanely long layover, but instead I choose to write to you! All is forgiven?

Well, as you know, I’ve been holed up in the Rotten Apple for the past 2 months, doing a little bit of this, a lot of that. What I didn’t tell you was that my wedding was in not one but two parts. Part II was mostly to placate those who were up in arms about not being invited to the Aussie ceremony. It was to be a casual yet formal affair and yours truly was the antithesis of Bridezilla. Looking back, I should’ve been more adamant about certain things. As a result it was not the most organized of wedding banquets. But never mind! The point is that we had fun and there are possibly several hundred pictures of me dancing like a mad fool all over the internet now. Thank you, Age of Technology and my shutterbug friends.

It all started with the bridal shower, which I wanted to be held at Coney Island. The Cyclone, the Wonder Wheel…followed by Nathan’s Hot Dog and a Freak Show…what could be better than that? But my idea was shot down and we had a bridal tea instead.

Yes, as a protest to the fact that I was sipping tea instead of screaming my lungs out on the Cyclone, I seethed for the camera.

Anthony and me reprising our roles as bride and groom.

We were told that this was to be a dry wedding (no! That was just the restauranteur’s idea of a joke!).

Here’s our promenade around the bar. I told you it was a casual affair: Anthony got to hold onto his stubbie during the walk!

I got to kick off those blue stilts and put on my dancing shoes, courtesy of Irregular Choice. They were super cool to begin with, but you can’t put a girl in the same room with a glue gun and butterflies without something like this happening (lucky me! The U.S. Irregular Choice flagship store is conveniently located in NYC! Check them out if you’re in the area!).

All right! Enough with the wedding stuff already! I did get a chance to go down to Coney Island after all! The Freak Show was closed, but the freak museum was open and I got to see an actual six-legged cow and a mummified mermaid and another cow with two faces. A week before, I saw a woman who looked like one of Drs. Troy and McNamara of Nip/Tuck’s creation on the subway. I remembered thinking, “where in the world could this woman possibly find employment looking like a cat, whiskers and all, now that Tower Records are no more?” A week later I got my answer. She was working at the Freak Museum.

This is my friend Jean-It, who hugged the ground after the harrowing ride on the Cyclone. I was too busy dry-heaving on the other side of the camera.

Anthony has never really “seen” America. Last time he came it was winter and he refused to venture outside my house or the underground. I made sure that he saw more than the subway systems this time and we boarded the cheapo bus tour designated for Philly, D.C., and Niagara Falls in a space of three days and had a whirlwind trip (most of it were spent dozing on the bus so I refused to call this our honeymoon!)

Here’s the Hubs goosing J-Lo in D.C.

Here we are looking sexy in our Niagara Falls rain ponchos.

Here I am getting ready to haunt the halls of Sleep Inn as the Phantom of Niagara Falls.

No trip is complete without being touched by the long arms of the law. Here’s our bus driver getting ticketed for alleged speeding on the motorway.

I’d like to say that was our only scuffle with the law, but alas, we were the cause of a 20-minute 2-way traffic jam when the bus driver attempted to make a U-turn on the freeway. It certainly broke the monotony of sitting on the bus for 3 straight days!

You’re probably saying to yourself, “Irene, this update has nothing to do with matryoshkas, which is the only reason why we even bother looking at your website in the first place!” Well, fear not, devoted people of the ancient Russian art. Between the banquet and jaunts across the eastern seaboard, I was able to paint a custom piece for a newly-married couple: