For those of you who are convinced that Ed Wood’s “Plan 9 From Outer Space” is the worst film ever made (and I’m using the word “film” very loosely), you are not wrong…that is, until you get a gander of this little gem put out there by a fertilizer salesman named Harold P. Warren, who got it into his head one day that he’s a better filmmaker than Ed Wood.

He could not be more wrong.

This movie would’ve died a peaceful death if those wacky guys from Mystery Science Theater 3000 hadn’t unearth it and mercilessly pointed out every single flaw (nothing, including Torgo’s humongous knees went unnoticed) and propelled it to cult status. A word of advice, viewing the original film can be utterly painful—so much so that you’d want to look up Harold P. Warren’s grave site and spit at it. But the MST3K treatment of it is pure genius. I highly recommend it.

Harold starred as the patriarch of the hapless family he convinced to go on a road trip with. Wife Margaret was not at all keen on spending the night at a lodge manned by Torgo, who had the legs of a satyr and kept referring to someone called “The Master.”

Torgo was sweet on Margaret, but she wouldn’t put up with his clumsy attempts to hit on her (by very slowly reaching out to touch her hair).

The family eventually met The Master and his many wives, who spent most of the film in transparent gowns and wrestling each other on the ground.

I won’t give away the ending, but let’s just say ol’ Hal ended the movie with a question mark. That’s right, an actual question mark. If he had raised another $1,000, I’m sure “Manos” Hands of Fate II: The Return of Torgo would’ve been shamelessly shot.

This is the end of my horror movie trilogy. Whew! It’s good to get it out of my system!

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